I haven’t even been able to bring myself to write this, I’m finding it quite hard to share my feelings, or even put my feelings into a sentence, but I think like most things it’s good to share how you are feeling and hopefully it will be therapy for me and maybe even reach someone else who feels the same or have experienced the same.
I’ve been writing this for a few days now. My feelings and thoughts have been up and down like a yo yo! So best to just get it down and then move on. So here I go..
So those who haven’t read my previous blog posts, a few weeks ago I went to my best friends Hen Do in Bath. I was really worried about going and leaving Adeline for the first time especially because she’s always been so fussy with the bottle being exclusively breast fed. I came back and she was an absolute bottle pro!
So much so, she decided that after a few days she much preferred the bottle over breast. It was strange because I kind of sensed she was moving on from it and was getting fuller for longer on the bottle and seemed a lot more content. I felt like I wasn’t doing something right. I actually felt really rejected and pretty upset. I wasn’t ready to stop- how could this be happening, she has gone from refusing bottle to refusing me! I felt like it was the end of something special, a bond that we had created and suddenly Adeline was saying ‘no more Mama’. I know that sounds completely crazy, to feel that way but after speaking to other Mums, I knew I wasn’t the only one to feel this way.
I had some incredible advice from my all my friends but one of my best friends said something that really hit home and made me feel like she knew exactly how i was feeling. It also kinda’ upset me, because she has gone through that without me fully understanding how she was feeling at the time. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t even begin to understand. But knowing she would have gone through that without me being able to give her advice, like she has for me, upset me.
“not gona lie, it is the end of an era and probably the hardest one to end so far. But try look at the positives about it and all the new and exciting milestones to come. Don’t dwell on it being ‘the end’ it’s the end in some ways, but the beginning of something else too.
You have had a wonderful 6months of feeding her and you’ve smashed it out the bag and created your special bond! You should be proud of what you and her have achieved together but now she’s ready to drop some feeds, smash down some big bottles and smash 3 meals in ha ha!!
I think the hardest part for us as mummy’s is, we carried them, they needed us, we birthed them, they needed us. We fed them, and only us could do it, they needed us and only us. And that’s amazing and you want them to ‘need’ us forever and this time for you feels like they won’t ‘need’ you anymore. But believe me, she will need you, and need you forever and need you to help her through what’s to come. And you will still get all your special mummy and Adeline time and develop a new kind of bond and relationship with her. Don’t be sad, the best is yet to come.’
I had to share that because I literally couldn’t put it better myself. That’s exactly how I feel.
So a few weeks on and we got ourselves in our new routine. So I now feed her once on a morning, then once at night before bed, one dream feed and sometimes in the night if she wakes up wanting a feed. The rest of the time it’s bottles through the day. I seemed to have got my head around it in the first week, watching Adeline taking the bottle in the day and how much she seemed to be enjoying it, made me so proud of her (after we struggled so much). I even started to feel like myself again, I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to wear or where I would feed in places- I found a positive…
The Devil Hormones
But then everything took a turn, i then had to go through the pain of weaning off the main day time feeds which was excruciating. I’ve been so used to feeding 7-8 times a day so cutting it was difficult on my breasts. All I wanted to do was feed her because if you’ve weaned before, you know the pain. I found myself hand expressing in the theatre toilet because I thought ‘I can’t sit here for two hours with throbbing breasts’. It was awful.
So I got my head around it.. then I didn’t get my head around it. And suddenly I feel like all my braveness has come crashing down on me. I feel down, upset , angry. I’ve been off my food, I feel lost and I hate feeling like that, of course I do! My Mum noticed I was snapping , Thom did, I did, I’ve felt so irritable.
I spoke to Thom yesterday and tried to explain how I feel and as always my man is the most understanding, sympathetic, loving husband ever. I know I can always tell him exactly how I’m feeling and there isn’t ever any judgement there. I mean some things I was coming out with are ridiculous but it’s how I felt. So thank you for that babe.
But why did I feel like that? Ohhh this is the hormones, of course, The Devil Hormones. My hormones are going WILD! How did I not realise my body is now going through yet again another change. I thought I was going crazy.
I just miss everything about feeding Adeline. The closeness, the bond , the love. Suddenly having this change without me seeing it coming is a massive shock to me and mainly my system.
I mean on Monday morning for example I woke up with sweats, a fever and I even passed out on my bathroom floor. I’ve had headaches, nausea – I’ve felt like I was pregnant again (I’m not!)
Quick google search: oh wow, I’m not the only one!
Isn’t it marvellous the wonderful world of google. You can always guarantee there is someone out there that has either felt, feeling or experienced what you are. Instantly I felt a relief- I wasn’t going mad and that explained my lash outs and emotional rage!
I think the next few weeks I need to concentrate on getting myself back to me. Adapting to my new routine with Adeline. Crack these hormones on the head and see the positives. I wasn’t ready to let go and I’m still struggling to but Adeline was ready and I think it would of been worse the other way round to be honest. I never expected to feel this way, nor did I expect my body to feel this way- something again no one ever tells you about breastfeeding. All you ever get is people ramming it down your throat to do it but never the negatives.
As Thom keeps telling me it isn’t the end. I’m still feeding her just not exclusively. So I’ll hold on to every second of that special time we do get together.