Adeline is 5 months now and I still haven’t left her. To be honest my Mum told me she didn’t leave me for a whole year!
I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. The opportunity hasn’t come around and I haven’t felt ready to leave her overnight. I always thought I’d be like ‘YES night of freedom!!’, but I don’t feel like that at all. Even in the day time when I get the in-laws or my parents to have Adeline for a few hours, I feel like a spare part and I just want to be with her. I love spending time with her, she’s the best and makes me so happy!
I think part of the reason I haven’t left her as well is because I’m exclusively breastfeeding so it’s been really difficult, some would say ‘tying’. Adeline hasn’t ever been great at taking the bottle, so it’s always been really hard to be away from her for any length of time, even if I wanted to.
I was only just saying this to my best friend the other day, I love breastfeeding it has been so rewarding and i feel like it has connected myself and Adeline as one and helped us bond from the beginning. We have had our fair share of ups and downs and my god it’s been hard at times but so incredibly rewarding. But I don’t think anyone ever tells you how tying it is- especially when your baby doesn’t want the bottle and all she wants is you. YES I know she’s only young once and YES I know it won’t last forever but come on I/we all need a break.. or even to know if you wanted a break you could do it comfortably knowing she is happy.
At the moment I know that I can’t have a break comfortably. Have I tried? YES! My friends wedding the other week, to be fair she did last 7 hours which is amazing. I think she only had 1 bottle in that 7 hours and refused the rest. Then I got the phone call at 6pm to say I had to come home as she was going ballistic. So see I have tried!
I have a major event coming up in 3 weeks; my best friend’s hen do! And I’m the Maid of Honour.. meaning I’ve had the honour of planning a weekend away to send her off into married life. This does mean that it’s time to leave baby A for two nights! Scary and exciting!
But how the hell do I leave a baby who won’t take the bottle? And won’t settle on a night for anyone but me, not even Daddy!
I have been looking forward to this weekend for over a year and all I want is to know that she will be ok. I’ve had so much advice and the advice that pisses me off the most (sorry if you’ve given me it) is; she won’t starve herself. I know she won’t starve herself, but she will give it a good go! And it isn’t even the fact that she will starve herself that’s bothering me, it’s more the fact I know what I’m leaving behind ; an unhappy baby and probably a very unhappy daddy. Is it even morally right to do that?
I worry every day and every night before bed. And there has been endless tears over it. I don’t want to have to be the person who lets everyone down, I’ve lost a lot of myself since having Adeline and sacrificed a lot as well – because as Mums that’s what’s you do DUH! So it would be nice to have a weekend away to be me. Not the person who has to cancel every social event because of her baby! Hey.. I’m not blaming Adeline the poor babe, she is only 5 months and she knows what she wants, she can’t help it. So don’t read into this thinking i’m complaining because I’m far from it. I just want a solution.
I’m sat here now after another traumatic and failed attempt at Daddy putting her to bed and I feel exhausted and upset. I’m going to put this blog post up and then put my phone down for the evening and try and relax.
If there’s anyone out there just like us.. I’d love to hear from you as I feel quite alone.