I’ve been contemplating for the past two days about posting this. I don’t even know why exactly.. perhaps I feel silly? Or worried about being judged but to hell with it!
Well I have this thing at the minute where I look at myself and I just see a Mum.. and I’m not complaining, I wouldn’t have it any other way! I absolutely love being a Mum it’s the best! I just feel like I’ve lost my old self a bit.
I’ve been trying to do things that I did before Adeline, like lots of dog walks, the gym, cafe trips & even managed to sneak in a cheeky cinema trip with Thom which was an amazing feeling. It honestly made me feel like me again.
It’s so funny how the things you did naturally before (without thinking), now become such a big deal (and a lot of planning needed sometimes). You don’t realise how easy you had it before and how much time you once had, and how precious and easy it was!
I even remember talking to a friend whilst I was pregnant (she herself has a little boy) and I asked her if she wanted to borrow some books that I thought she might like and she mentioned how she hadn’t read a book since having her baby. I couldn’t believe it and even thought .. how can you not have time to read a book or more to the point how sad that you can’t have time to do something that brings some of us so much pleasure. Well now I get it! I haven’t read a book properly (unless it’s a baby book) since Adeline!
As I’m sat here now I’m wondering why is it I feel so.. lost. Ye, that’s a good way of describing it! I remember the days I ate when I wanted to eat and at the temperature I wanted to eat it. I slept when i felt tired and stayed up if i didn’t. You know… you were in control of your own life. Though i’m still in control of my own life now, things are different. My desires, motivations, and spontaneous urges don’t factor into my decision making as much as they used to. Now, I just consider Adeline’s needs equal to or above my own in the day to day. This is good and fine and right- but it’s still a shock to the system. It still takes getting used to!
Before you’re thinking ‘well duh’ or getting ready to send me hate mail I have to state IN BOLD how much I love being a Mum and maternity leave is the best thing ever and I never want it to end and I seriously find it the best thing I’ve ever done. I love my daughter more than life itself and I love my husband even more than I possible ever could of imagined and I love our new exciting life together. I am just at a stage in my life where I feel crap about myself. This post isn’t about not enjoying being a Mum and how I’m finding it hard because course it’s hard I knew it was going to be- it’s about losing myself and in need of finding oneself again. And I’m sure i will, naturally overtime, but I can’t just sit around and wait for it to happen.
I mean I used to take pleasure choosing an outfit for example , doing my hair, and accessorizing each morning (playing loud music as I did). Now I just get ready as quick as I can with nursery rhymes playing because I know Adeline will either need a nap or will need feeding any moment. So the quicker I get ready the easier!
It does cause me to feel that I’m not the “woman” I used to be. My hair which is long and thick isn’t as kept as it once was, I mean I can’t been wear it down because it’s constantly pulled and the amount I’m losing of it is scary! My outfits are on constant rotation because I have limited clothes that I can breastfeed in. My underwear is crap and old , I’m wearing ugly feeding bras with huge breast pads in them, which just makes me feel unattractive anyway.. leaky boobs yay! I could go on.. I just don’t look as put together or attractive as I once did. Or I certainly don’t feel it.
I know I’m not probably not the only one to feel this way , I’ve spoken to close friends with babies and they often tell me they feel the same! I’ve been told that even if you don’t want to leave your baby you should for your own mental health. Someone once said “You need to recharge your batteries every so often” and I think that’s exactly what I need to do. I think i need to go out and enjoy myself with my friends (without Baby A), something I haven’t been able to properly, I’ll be honest.. I haven’t actually wanted to but that’s because;
1. Adeline won’t take a bottle so I can’t be out longer than 3 hours.
2. I’m not used to leaving baby A so when I do it’s scary and daunting and I feel nervous the whole time and
3. I don’t really want to leave her!
I have a wedding and a hen do coming up where I’ll be away for a night and a whole weekend. So I have no choice in the matter, but I can’t even imagine this at the moment and I think Thom will have to physically push me out the door! It isn’t that I won’t be excited for it because I am, but the other part of me will be so nervous and anxious to leave Adeline.. because for the past 13 months (including pregnancy) she hasn’t left my side! I just want to be with her all the time. I know this is just a phase and it will pass. When Adeline doesn’t souly depend on me for food I’ll probably feel a lot more comfortable, but the thought of her being distraught is too much and the simple fact that I love being around her as well.
Let’s be honest being a Mum is knackering- I am bloody knackered! You don’t realise it until help turns up (Thom or parents) and you suddenly stop and think- christ all mighty I could fall asleep stood up I’m that zonked! You don’t realise it when you’re constantly on the go, then you stop for a second and BANG it hits you! I need a break! I need to be around my besties with a prosecco in one hand and food in the other. I need to feel like myself again. Even if it’s for a few hours.
I realise this blog is a bit of a mish mash but this is what my head is doing at the moment. I dislike the way I look and feel about myself and leaving Adeline makes me anxious! Is this normal? Am I normal? Is this forever? Is this what being a Mum is? Ahhh!
I know.. I need to get a grip! I need to figure out what I can do to make myself happier- which I am already doing! Even from starting to write this the other day I feel better. I have started a new baby class and I have been on a baby play date with friends! I’ve also been creating a playroom for Adeline which has brought me so much joy! I am planning Thom’s 30th. And soon I will be helping my Mum and Dad move house. I have also arranged a girlie night Saturday (yay) we are going for food and drinks (so I will have the prosecco and food in my hands after all). I would like to start going to the gym more but this at the minute doesn’t happen very often, but I figure plenty of fresh air and walks will do the trick.
I will figure it out soon enough. After all this is new to me and I’m learning each and every step of the way. I just know there will be someone out there reading this and thinking “Thank god i’m not the only one”, and perhaps it will help you to feel less alone knowing I’m feeling exactly same!